5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
You Might Also Like
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.