nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
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Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Pee pressure > peer pressure
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
this FaceApp is creepy af
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter