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I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?