“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
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That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
In Canada they just call them geese
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
what does he know…
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying