what does he know…
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Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
#FunnyLife Insects
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
lol
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]