Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
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Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
APPLE GENIUS: [looks around nervously] if I had a criticism of this phone it would be that-
{trapdoor}
NEW APPLE GENIUS: that it’s perfect.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on