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Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.