364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
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Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I love art.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
Yes
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
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