364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
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Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Happy Febuary everyone!
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Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me