Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered