therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
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When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)