[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
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“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.