Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
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[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Don’t touch that.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.