@FussySaffa

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

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@missekay

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

@brennadine

Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.

@RocketRankoon

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

@panmidwest

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

@NYC_Blonde

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

@Rollmaninoz

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

@kryzazzy

Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly

@RickAaron

“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”

-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot