@FussySaffa

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

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@Voiceofgarth

I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.

@awescar

A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.

@MissBamanthaa

A Haiku For My Salad:

I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad

@JimGaffigan

How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto

@PJTLynch

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

@Elifcello

Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.

@EllaZee5

Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!

me: oh great that’s-

Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake

me: uh

Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-

me: please don’t come to town

@badbanana

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

@Shariv67

People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.

@dril

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats