Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
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I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Nice try Hitler
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Please do it!
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
The best plant holders?
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Who chose this font
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.