Please do it!
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Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
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“Morning, how was your weekend?”
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight