“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
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*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Simple enough.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.