It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
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Always 🥴
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.