me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
You Might Also Like
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
He just like my cat fr
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”