Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
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[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
just gave your address to some spiders
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
you gotta be faster
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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5.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
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