BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
If you need me I’ll be in the corner crying like a baby because I cleaned the house from top to bottom and then let the kids back in
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
6. me as a lawyer
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza: