My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
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haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback