“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
You Might Also Like
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
All is fair in drunk and war.
My flabber has been gasted.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.