The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
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They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Ken is short for chicken
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Haha good job!!
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas