can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
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Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.