freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
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pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.