For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
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[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”