Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
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After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded