I wish all tests were things you peed on
![]()
You Might Also Like
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.