I wish all tests were things you peed on
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If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.