I wish all tests were things you peed on
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I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Hitlers gonna hitl
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.