I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
You Might Also Like
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
hey, alexa
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.