the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
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“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….