When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
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Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
I am never leaving this website
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.