the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
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outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”