Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
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The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.