*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
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I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I’m aging like a fine banana
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
yeet
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.