My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.