We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
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I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.