I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
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I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
getting old is fun
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
accurate
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.