@TheRobCee Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
@rebrafsim Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
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@TheRobCee 
@KeetPotato [being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
@JennyJohnsonHi5 People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
@Jandalize Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
@AaronFullerton Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
@myonlymizztake I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
@dadmann_walking I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
@LizzieEMB Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
@girl_a_whirl The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
@PaperWash Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!