@rebrafsim

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood

Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK

Dracula: vhoa

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@TheRobCee

Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.

@KeetPotato

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.

@Jandalize

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

@AaronFullerton

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

@dadmann_walking

I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.

@LizzieEMB

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

@girl_a_whirl

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

@PaperWash

Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!