I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
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Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
*bites zombie*
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M