Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
You Might Also Like
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Matt Goss
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”