TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
You Might Also Like
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup