Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
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[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.