Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
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She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”