Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.

It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

*first year living alone*

Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what

Her: What’s your fantasy?

Me: Sexy nurse!

H: Meet me in the bedroom.

[10 minutes later]

*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*

M: Uh.

They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

turtleneck: oooh cozy

mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.

Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’

I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS

I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.

*trips over globe and breaks both legs*

i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down

Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

[reading of my will]

My son: his shoes!?

Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry

And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?

When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?

My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.