I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
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I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I’m not stressed
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
sigh
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.