sigh
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“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…