CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
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Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu