I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Where is your GOD now????
Single and childfree like Jesus
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.