I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
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My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that