I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
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Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
One time someone broke up with me 26 hours after getting their first pair of glasses.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.