When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
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“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
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I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
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Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
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her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
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