You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
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Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too