The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
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Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Mhm.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Coffee is ready.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.