Mhm.
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I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.