The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
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Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Beware of fowl play.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?